You’ve moved out of the family home and asked your spouse for a divorce. You tried your best to make the relationship work for your kids’ sake, but things only got worse. Everyone is understandably angry, devastated, and resentful. There’s so much that went on between the two of you, none of which your child knows about because you are good parents who chose to shield your child from the ugliness.

Most parents I work with are enlightened enough to understand that badmouthing each other is wrong and that kids need both parents. But sometimes comments slip out of even the tightest, most well-intentioned lips.

Though the bird nesting custody arrangement has been around for years, it is almost never discussed in custody matters because it can only happen if both parents are willing to put their anger and dislike of each other aside and cooperate, which is a big ask for most people. However, if done right, this is the most child-centered timesharing arrangement out there. Any parent who does this is truly willing to do anything for their kids.

Parents wanting their children to be happy is an admirable goal. I want that for my children as well. When they are sad, I’m even sadder. All I want to do is make them happy. Even when they’re at fault, I hate to see them suffer. This instinct to protect kids from sadness is even harder to resist for parents who are divorcing or separating.

It hurts when your children don’t want to spend time with you, especially if you don’t see them very often. All week you look forward to spending quality time with them, but when you pick them up, they just want to “chill.” There are many reasons why children may not want to spend time with a parent, but the next time you see your kids, try meeting them where they are.

The divorcing or divorced parents I work with agree that conflict is bad for children, but they also believe that all their conflicts are entirely their ex’s fault. How can a parent detail with such precision the 100 things the other parent has messed up, but then struggle to find a single thing they could have done better?

Hawaiʻi has always done New Year’s big, but this year was different. Instead of the usual anticipation, there was a somber feeling in the air. This was the first year that we wouldn’t go to my cousin’s house on the eve, and the first year that the whole family would not gather on New Year’s morning to eat the good luck o-zo-ni or mochi soup.